Like A Dagger Through The Heart
by purplepagoda
Summary: The words fall from her lips, and she knows that she can't take them back. She tells him not to follow her. He isn't ready to let her go. She refuses to stay, even if it means that it is the end for them. She makes her choice. She chooses to let him go. He isn't ready to let her go. He knows that if she leaves she may never come back.
1. Gotta Go

He lies in their bed, with his head propped upon his fist. His elbow rests in the mattress, and supports the weight of his head. He watches her in silence as she sleeps just inches away from him. She is covered with a sheet that is secured under her arms. He knows that underneath the covers she wears little more than his t-shirt. He watches as her chest rises and falls.

It has been three months since she has moved to D.C. Three months since they moved to D.C. They share a modest one bedroom apartment that is within minutes commute of her office. The sound of silence is what he enjoys the most. He often wakes before her, even if it's just by a few moments. He revels in the quiet moments he has watching her sleep with no interruptions.

The past months have been filled with peaks, and troughs. They have fought for every single step that has been taken in their direction. Nothing has been easy in the past three months. He misses home. Some days while he's home alone, and she's at work he sits behind his computer, and longs to be home. His soul aches for the awkward smell of his office in New York. The smell that is generated when you combine cologne, printer ink, sweat, and leather bound books.

Yet he refuses to tell her, because he knows that he belongs exactly where he is. He belongs where ever she is. He would be content to spend every single morning for the rest of his life waking up with her. The past months, and even days have been about taking leaps of faith. They have both pushed each other to do things outside of their comfort zones.

The leaps of faith, these little tests are supposed to bring them closer together. As he lies there in the silence of their bedroom he feels the distance between them. Though physically there is very little distance between them in their queen-sized pillow top, in every other way they could fill up the Grand Canyon with the things left unsaid between them. He feels her building her wall back up, the one that has taken him so long to tear down. She is colder, and quieter than before. She refuses to talk about work, and he has learned to stop asking.

She rolls from her back onto her left side. Her back faces the door. She opens her eyes, and looks at Rick. He pretends to be asleep as the light from the window that is situated in the wall behind him illuminates the room. She feels guilty for dragging him here. It is clear that he is homesick.

He chased her, as she chased her dreams, and now they're here. She feels as if they're at an impasse. She knows what she has to do. She knows that she is in too deep to walk away now. She can't walk away, despite the fact that she has realized she doesn't want to be here. This job, this life is not what she bargained for. Theoretically it was what she thought she wanted. In reality it is far from it. She's realized too late that she just wants to be with him, that nothing else matters.

She swallows the guilt of knowing that she is in over her head, and she can't tell him. She knows the choice that she must make. She has to see this through, or she will almost certainly lose herself. When she does, she will almost certainly lose him. When she gets to the other side of this black, gaping hole that has been her life since she was nineteen years old, she doubts he will be standing on the other side waiting for her. He is patient, and understanding, but no man is that patient of understanding.

She clears her throat, "I know you're not sleeping."

He opens his eyes, and looks at her, "You caught me."

"You know how I mentioned last night that things don't always work out the way that we want them to?"

"Yeah. That is what you said when I asked if you had a good day at work," he recalls.

"It applies to us, too."

"What are you saying?"

"Rick there is something that I need to tell you."

"Okay," he agrees.

"I think that I can put this thing to rest for once and all. I have figured out how to do it."

"How can I help?"

"You can't. You have to walk away."

She sees the sorrow, and pain wash over him as the words fall from her mouth. His eyes focus on hers. As he frowns she can almost hear his heart breaking in two. It takes him several moments before he can come up with any sort of response. When he finally does it is sloppy.

"Why? Why would I walk away? Why would you ask me to walk away?"

"I don't have a choice."

His sorrow quickly morphs into anger. The vein in his forehead throbs as he tries to maintain his composure. He clenches his jaw, and his nostrils flare. He grits his teeth as he responds, "You always have a choice."

"I love you."

"Why are you telling me to walk away?"

"I am about to walk into a fire, and I will not let you follow me."

"What do you mean?" his voice is laden with rage, but his tone remains even.

"I am going to have to go away for a while."

"How long?"

She shrugs, "As long as it takes."

"How long?"

"Weeks, maybe months."

"If you don't make it back?"

A lump forms in her throat, "Find someone else."

The tears begin to form in his eyes as his anger instantly shifts to hurt, betrayal, and confusion, "Find someone else?"

"Find someone who makes you happy," she begs him.

"You are the one," he allows the sentence to end there.

She blinks away her own tears, "Castle I am begging you, please don't make this any harder than it has to be."

"I don't understand why are you doing this?"

"Because I have to. Your compulsion is writing, this is mine."

"My compulsion won't kill me, yours could."

"I know that. I know that I may not make it back."

He is overcome by emotion, "Don't say that."

"I have to be realistic."

"You are really going to throw away your entire life for this? You are going to give up everything you have for someone that you can't get back?"

"I am sorry."

"Yeah, me too."

"You knew my demons before you asked me..." she chokes up.

"To be my wife. I asked you to marry me. It meant something to you, and I really thought that it meant something to you, too. I thought that ring was more than just a symbol."

"It was, it is."

"Don't do this," he begs.

"I have to. And for safety purposes I have to ask you not to look for me. Promise me that you won't try to find me. Promise me that you will let me go."

"If I can't?"

"You don't have a choice."

"I'm never going to see you again, am I?"

She runs her fingers through her hair, "When it's over I will find you. I promise."

"And if you're dead?"

She doesn't answer him.


	2. Finding A Gem

He sits in his office, the one that smells of cologne, sweat, printer ink, and leather bound books. It has been over eight months since she left. He hasn't heard from her. There has been zero communication. Not a postcard, or a text message. Not even a bat signal. He sits in front of the computer, but he has no intention of writing. The machine isn't even turned on. He hasn't written a word in months.

He sits in his fancy chair feeling sorry for himself. It is early in the morning. The last time he glanced at the clock it was after three. His elbow balances on the wooden desk. His hand is balled into a fist. His chin rests on his fist. He sits in the silence of his office dressed in pajamas. A pair of blue flannel bottoms with thin black stripes forming a square pattern. A matching navy blue robe covers his chest, and his white v-neck t-shirt. His face is scruffy, he hasn't shaved in at least three days. He stares at the ring lying on the desk, in front of him. It's Kate's engagement ring.

He yawns, as he hasn't been to bed yet. He looks up, and to his left, at the clock sitting on the corner of the desk. It's twelve after four. He doesn't sleep much anymore. He dreams about her when he sleeps, so he chooses not to. He pushes the chair away from the desk, the wheels on the bottom of the chair legs squeak as the chair moves. He rises from his seat, and leaves his office, padding into the kitchen in his socked feet. He puts on a pot of coffee, and heads for the door of his apartment to retrieve the newspaper.

He unlocks the door, and pulls it open. He looks down, and finds the newspaper, and a little more than he bargained for. He finds a body nestled under his newspaper. He stares at the scene in confusion, and disbelief. He bends down, and picks up the paper, and the body beneath it. He removes the bag that lies on the floor next to the body. He retreats into the apartment, and closes the door. He heads into the kitchen with all of the evidence. He places it on the counter of the kitchen island. He places the newspaper to the side,to the left of the body.

He stares at the body swaddled in a blanket, nestled inside of a car seat. The baby sleeps soundly. He unfastens the buckle securing the infant to the seat. He lifts the angelic looking baby out of the seat. He finds a letter inside the seat. It is addressed to him, in Kate's scrawl. He manages to hold the baby, and rip the letter open at the same time. He pulls the piece of paper from the envelope, and unfolds it. He begins to read.

_ Rick,_

_ I didn't know what else to do. I have yet to get to the bottom of all of this, despite my best efforts. I am sorry that is has to be this way. I know that you feel completely betrayed, and I am so sorry for that. You have to understand that I didn't know when I left. If I had known I would have made different choices. Once I found out it was too late to change course. _

_ I know that you probably hate me. I can't change that. Maybe she will make you hate me a little less. I know that one day you will understand why I have done the things that I have. I hope to return before she is ever old enough to understand. I love her, and I know that you will protect her. She is our daughter. If I can ever be a good mother to her I have to see this through. If I don't make it back please tell Abigail how much I love her._

_ Kate_

He tosses the letter onto the counter, as the tears fall from his eyes, and trail down his cheeks. He looks at the infant in his arms. She is wrapped securely in a yellow thermal blanket. She wears a yellow cap, and matching gown. He turns to the diaper bag, realizing that he has no clue when she was born, or any of the other pertinent details. He unzips the bag. He finds a hospital I.D. bracelet inside. It reveals to him that she was born the previous day at an New York hospital. He finds a flow sheet underneath with times listed of the last time she was fed, and changed. He shifts his focus back to the newborn in his arms.

"So I am going to go out on a limb here, and guess that she waited for the paper to be delivered, and then tucked you underneath."

The baby remains soundly asleep. He takes the paper out of the diaper bag. He finds a crib card. _Abigail Johanna Castle. 8lbs 3 oz. _The bag is full of baby essentials, diapers, wipes, clothes, formula, and bottles. He sets it inside of the car seat, and carries the car seat into the living room. When he returns to the kitchen he pours himself a cup of coffee. He takes a drink, but can't help being distracted by the fact that there is a newborn baby in his other arm.

"It's nice to meet you Abigail. Now I know that as of four o'clock this morning she was alive, and, now you're here. I'm your dad, by the way."

A few minutes later he's sitting in his usual spot in the kitchen reading the newspaper, and sipping his coffee. His mother descends the stairs, and heads towards him in her pajama's, and silk robe that is cinched at the waist.

"I thought I heard you talking to someone," she comments as she heads for the coffee pot.

"Mostly myself," he answers as her back is turned to him. He flattens the newspaper out, on the counter.

"So Richard I have to ask how much longer are you going to mope around here? Kate has been gone for nearly nine months. I know that this is a very difficult time for you, but you have to move on at some point."

"I know."

She turns around to face him, with her cup of coffee in hand. She stares at him in confusion as he sits on a stool underneath the counter with a baby in one arm.

"When I said move on I certainly didn't mean for you to start by kidnapping an infant."

"I didn't."

"Richard is it barely four thirty in the morning, and I have yet to finish my first cup of coffee why don't you just tell me what's going on here?"

"I went out to get the newspaper. Imagine my surprise when I found this little gem underneath of it."

"Where did she come from?"

"The baby factory," he quips.

"By way of?"

"Katherine Beckett."

"What?!"

He points to he letter lying nearby on the counter.

"You should read it."

"Where is she?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"She just left her baby on your doorstep?"

"She left my daughter on the doorstep."

"Your daughter?"

"Her name is Abigail."

"How long have you known about her?"

"What time is it now?"

"Four thirty two."

"Exactly twenty minutes."


	3. Distress Call

Martha approaches him, slowly. She peers down at the sleeping newborn in his arms. A little girl dressed in yellow who looks like Kate. Her subconscious screams at her, as she longs to hold her new granddaughter. She knows that stating the obvious may cause friction between them. As she considers the consequences, but all she can think about is the angelic face of the newborn in Richard's arms. She tips her head upwards, and makes eye contact with him.

"Richard something isn't right here."

"She's been gone for months, and she never told me that she was going to have a baby, our baby. Yeah, I can agree with that."

"That is not what I meant."

"What did you mean?" he questions suspiciously.

"Katherine would never abandon her child."

"She left her outside the door, in the hallway right after the newspaper was delivered."

"I am not accusing her of putting the baby in any danger, though I am going to guess that she has."

"What are you saying, mother?"

"She is not Meredith. She would never willingly walk away from her child."

"You don't know that. Maybe the thought of having a child was just too much for her."

"Richard you're wrong," she says gently.

"I'm wrong?"

"She left this baby on the doorstep for a reason. She wanted you to know that she is under duress."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't care what case she was working, or what kind of demon she is chasing, family means everything to her. You should know that. You should be able to see that there is only one way she would leave her child, even with you, and not know if, and when she will return. The only way is if she had a metaphorical gun to her head. I know the kind of person that she is. She would give up anything for her child."

"How can you be so sure?"

"It is the kind of person that she is. We both know that."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Find her, and bring her home."

"How?"

Martha smirks, "With a little help from your friends."

He nods understandingly, "I need to make some phone calls could you..."

She cuts him off, "Certainly," she reaches for the sleeping infant.

He places the sleeping beauty into her arms. He slides out of his seat, and slips into the other room. Martha stares down at the baby in her arms.

"You are beautiful. I just hope that you don't break his heart too," she rolls her eyes, "What am I saying, you're his daughter, it is your job to break his heart, at least a little bit."

He glances at the clock, but reaches for his phone despite the early hour. He calls Ryan first, guessing he will already be awake. Ryan answers after two rings.

"Castle?"

"Ryan I know that it is really early, and I am sorry if I woke you up," he begins.

"You didn't wake me up. I was up with the baby. What's going on?"

"Can you come over here?"

"What's wrong?"

"It's something we need to discuss in person."

"It's that bad?"

"Despite my reputation as a wordsmith some things are just better in the flesh."

"In the flesh? What are you talking about?"

"You have to see it to believe it."

"Does this have something to do with Beckett?"

"It has absolutely everything to do with her."

"Is something wrong?"

"My mother seems to believe so."

"What about you, what do you believe?"

"My mother made a very persuasive argument, and this is a rare occasion in which I happen to agree with her."

"Okay I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thanks, I owe you one."

Ryan hangs up, and Castle dials Esposito. The phone rings several times before anyone answers.

"Esposito," he greets, sheepishly.

"Hey, Javi I know that it is really early. I'm sorry that I woke you up."

"Castle it's not even five o'clock in the morning yet. Man someone better be dying, or dead."

"Don't hang up. No one is dying, or dead to my knowledge, but I need your help. Someone's life could be in danger."

"Is this some sort of joke?"

"No."

"Castle what's going on?"

"I got a message from Kate."

"What kind of message? What did it say?"

"You have to see for yourself."

"See for myself? Is she okay?"

"'Sito I don't know. I just know something isn't right. I need your help to sort all of this out. I will owe you one, okay?"

"You sound desperate."

"Please."

"Okay I'll be there."

"Thanks," Castle hangs up the phone.

He shoves the phone into the pocket of his pajama bottoms. He returns to the kitchen. He finds Martha sitting on the bar stool staring at the little girl in her arms. He smiles at them, and approaches slowly. Martha looks up at him. He stops in front of her, and reaches for the newborn. Martha slips the baby into his arms.

He finds himself completely mesmerized by the baby in his arms. She's got chubby cheeks. She looks like an angel as she sleeps. He plants a warm wet kiss on her cheek. She doesn't stir. He inhales the scent of new baby.

Martha clears her throat, "Richard?"

He looks up at her, "Yes, mother?"

"What are you going to do?"

"As much as it pains me to say this, you're right. Kate wouldn't leave her willingly. I have to figure out what is going on. I have to find her."

"You really didn't know?"

He shakes his head, "How could I? She didn't even know."

"I should call Alexis."

"Call Alexis, at this time in the morning?"

"Someone has to watch the baby."

"I am her father. Last time I checked I was capable of taking care of an infant. I can admit that I might be rusty, but..."

She cuts him off, "You're going to take her with you? Richard someone has to go shopping."

"Shopping?"

"She only has a days worth of stuff in that bag. She doesn't even have a place to sleep."

"Don't call Alexis... yet."


	4. Revelations

Ryan is the first to arrive. He wears a pair of jeans, and t-shirt. He carries a bassinet into the apartment. Castle greets him at the door. Ryan looks at Castle with a furrowed brow.

"Dude you want to explain what is going on? Why did you text me and ask me to bring this if we weren't using it anymore?"

"There have been some developments this morning," he reveals.

"What kind of developments?"

"It's early, and I would prefer to only have to explain it once."

"Esposito isn't here yet?"

"He should be here any minute. Feel free to have a seat."

"Where do you want this?"

"By the couch is fine."

Ryan makes his way into the living room. He places the bassinet at the end of the couch. His eyes are drawn to the coffee table. In the center sits a car seat. Nestled inside of the car seat is a sleeping baby. The knock on the door interrupts his train of thought. Castle pulls the door open, and Esposito comes in. He shoots Rick a disapproving look.

"Man this better be good."

Ryan looks up at his partner, "I have a feeling that it is, considering the fact that I am staring at the coffee table that has a baby on it that looks suspiciously like Beckett."

"What?!"

Castle joins the conversation, "'Sito please come in, and have a seat."

Javier follows Rick into the living room. Ryan takes a seat on the couch, positioned directly in front of the baby. Javi rests on the arm of the couch. His eyes shift between the newborn on the coffee table, and Castle.

"This is the part where you tell us what the hell is going on," Javier locks eyes with Castle.

"I called the two of you because I found that on my doorstep this morning."

"And you want us to find out who it belongs to?" Javier wonders.

He shakes his head, "I already know who she belongs to."

"Would you like to enlighten us?" Ryan speaks up.

"She's mine."

"She did show up here on her own," Esposito adds.

"I know that. There was a note."

"Can we see it?"

Castle hands Ryan the note. Javier reads over Ryan's shoulder. They finish reading, and look up at Castle, who is standing in front of them, with his arms folded across his chest.

"Kate left your baby on the doorstep? Never in a million years would she do that," Javier voices doubt.

"What my partner is trying to say, is that Beckett wouldn't abandon her child, even to you."

"Guys I know that. Why do you think that I called you? Something is wrong."

Esposito nods, "Yeah, what is wrong is that Kate was pregnant, and she left anyway."

"She probably didn't know," Ryan suggests.

Castle's eyes fall to the little girl, asleep on his coffee table. "She didn't," he says, softly.

"Why didn't she abort?" Javier makes a poor word choice.

Castle's eyes widen, "The baby?"

Esposito shakes his head, "The mission."

"Maybe because she couldn't," Ryan suggests.

"This was a message. Both of you are absolutely right. She would never abandon her child. She would never put her child's life in jeopardy for a mission. I think that she's in trouble."

"How can we help?"

"We need to talk to the people at the hospital. Maybe someone was following her," Castle begins.

Javier takes charge of the situation, "Here's what we'll do. Ryan, and I will go talk to the hospital staff. We will follow the leads. We can make this command central. You do the desk work, so you can stay here, with her, and we'll do the leg work. We can get footage from the hospital sent over to you."

"Okay," Castle agrees.

"Rick," Kevin eyeballs him, "We're going to find her."

"I have a confession to make to you guys."

Javier smirks, "Castle we know. You have been looking for her this whole time. We know that."

"You do?" He cocks an eyebrow.

Ryan nods, "Yeah. You weren't the only one looking for her."

"You guys couldn't track her down either?"

"It was like she fell off the face of the planet. We were worried she was in the river somewhere," Javier admits.

"Castle we are going to find her," Ryan promises.

"Yeah, I know."

"We should get started," Javi suggests.

"Yeah," Ryan agrees.

Ryan, and Esposito vacate their seats. Esposito heads towards the door. Ryan stops, and scrutinizes the baby. He shakes his head.

"What?" Castle questions.

"It's a damn shame she looks just like Beckett, which means she's going to have your personality."

"It wouldn't be the end of the world," Castle argues.

"What's her name?"

"Abigail," he smiles.

"May I?"

Castle nods. Ryan unbuckles the restraint, and lifts the baby out of the car seat. He smiles as she rests in his arms.

"It's nice to meet you, Abigail."

Javier clears his throat, "Ryan are you going to go all Mary Poppins over there, or are you going to help me find Beckett?"

Ryan looks up. He places the newborn in Rick's arms, and joins Javier at the door. They leave the apartment. Rick is standing in the middle of the living room, with the newborn in his arms. She opens her eyes, and he marvels at how incredibly sweet she looks. He kisses her chubby, pink cheek. He's deep in thought when someone knocks on the door.

He crosses the room with the baby in his arms. He doesn't check the peephole before he pulls the door open. He stares at the figure on the other side of the door, in confusion.

"Alexis?"

"Gram texted me, and said there was an emergency. She said I needed to get over here A.S.A.P."

"Oh."

Her eyes fall to the baby in his arms. "Why are you holding a baby?"


	5. Messages

"Come in," he answers.

She steps into the apartment, closing the door behind her. She never takes her eyes off the baby in her arms. He says nothing, he just braces for her reaction.

"Dad?"

"Hm?"

"The baby?"

He looks down at the little girl in his arms. "She's..." he struggles with how to tell her.

"Abigail?"

His eyes fall on his oldest daughter. He looks at her in confusion, and dismay. "How do you know her name?"

"I know a lot of things," she answers.

"But..."

"She looks just like Kate," Alexis adds.

"Yeah," he agrees.

"A little girl with Kate's features? Why are you so surprised that I know who she is?"

"I see what's going on here. Your grandmother called you, and told you want was going on. You were only feigning surprise."

"No she didn't tell me anything. I wasn't feigning anything."

"So how do you know her name?"

"It was a discussion that Kate and I had once, when you weren't around."

"Oh."

"Dad, where is Beckett?"

"Alexis I don't know."

"How can you not know? The baby is right there."

"She left her on the doorstep, with the morning newspaper."

"She wouldn't," Alexis shakes her head in disbelief.

"I agree. Something is wrong. Ryan, and Esposito are trying to find her."

"Did you read the paper?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Are you sure there wasn't a message in it?"

"A message?"

Her eyes light up, "The crossword."

He furrows his brow, "What are you talking about? Do you know something that I don't?"

"I know that everything about this situation is absolutely wrong. Did you know that she was pregnant?"

"No."

"She didn't tell you?"

"She didn't know until after she left."

"And she didn't try to tell you? Dad I have to agree with you, something is very wrong. She would never keep something like this from you. She would never just leave her child on a doorstep."

"And you honestly think that the answer is in the crossword?"

"I think that it is worth a try," she suggests.

"Okay," he agrees, heading to the kitchen. He holds Abigail in one arm, and uses his free hand to search the newspaper. He turns to the crossword. There are words written in blue ink inside the puzzle.

"Why would she try to leave me a message like this? Why wouldn't she just write whatever needed to be said in the letter that she wrote?"

"Maybe she couldn't. Maybe someone was watching her."

Castle cross references the answers with the clues.

"None of these answers are correct."

"Read them to me," she grabs a section of the newspaper, and a nearby ink pen.

"Lake, Seville, Rogue, Armory, Two, Kenton, Edwin."

She finishes scribbling the clues, and looks up at him in disbelief, "Do you have any idea what this means?"

"I could come up with a completely outlandish theory, but I am exhausted, and anything I could say would just be a guess."

"Dad keep it simple."

"A house by a lake. A..."

She cuts him off, trying to keep him from going down a rabbit hole, "No, simplify it."

"Alexis just tell me what it is that I am supposed to be seeing?"

"If you rearrange the letters at the beginning of each word it spells stalker."

"Someone is following her?"

"Are you sure that she didn't write any other clues?"

He shrugs, "I apologize, but I was quite distracted this morning, when I was attempting to read the paper."

The baby begins to whimper as Alexis searches the rest of the paper.

"I'll be back," Castle excuses himself. He returns a few moments later after changing the baby's diaper. He finds Alexis standing in front of the counter, staring at her own handwriting in the margin of the newspaper.

"Did you find something else?"

"There were letters underlined in the horoscopes. I think it is supposed to spell out prisoner," she reveals.

Before he can comment his phone begins to ring. He glances at the sleeping baby in his arms, and then to Alexis. She nods subtly, and slips the newborn from his arms. He ducks into his office, closing the door behind him.

"Ryan what did you find out at the hospital?"

"Beckett wasn't here alone. There was a man with her. According to the nurse the man went out for a smoke just after three this morning. He told her that he was the father. When he returned to the room Kate had taken the baby, and left."

"She was being followed," Castle adds.

"That is what thought, too. How did you know?"

"She left clues in the newspaper. The first letter of the words she wrote in the crossword puzzle spelled out stalker. Then she underlined letters in the horoscopes, it spelled prisoner."

"What did she write in the crossword?" Ryan questions.

"Lake, Seville..."

Ryan cuts him off, "Seville? Are you sure?"

"Yes, why? Is it significant?"

"The cameras in the parking lot only cover half the lot, but it does cover all the exits. Just after the man with Beckett leaves the hospital a black Seville is one of the cars leaving the lot."


End file.
